Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Matthew 6:10

I shared a little with you about what my husband and I have been going through over the course of the last week or so. We were both very, very sick. And I don’t think either of us realized how sick the other was. All that we really knew is how sick we ourselves were. Although we didn’t discuss it in the hospital, we did shared upon our release, that we both at different times thought that the Lord was possibly calling us home through this illness.

We’ve talked a little in previous posts about the need to desire God’s will above our own. Well, let me assure you, when you are lying there in the hospital, unsure as to whether you will be a resident of this planet when you leave, you come face to face with God’s will over your own.

You think of all those beautiful grand children (we have 10.5 : ), you think of those incredible children (we have 5 : ), you think of the absolute love of your life (lying suffering in the next bed) and you wonder. You wonder if you’ve done enough. You wonder if you have shared enough of the Lord with them all. You wonder if they are going to be okey without you.

Well, if God had chosen to take me home, they would have been okay. Because He is the one who has been using me in their lives. He is the one who loves them more than I do. He is the one who has provided for them when I could not.

When I first got cancer I had a brother in Christ ask how I was doing and, God bless his heart, when I told him that I was struggling with leaving my family behind (if God chose this as a means of bringing me home), he said “well, that is just your selfish sin nature”. And he walked out. I was so indignant, I could not believe that he would accuse me of being selfish when I was thinking of others. But he was absolutely right. It was as if I were saying to God “Really?” “Who are you going to get to do all that I do for my family?” Apart from God I’m not capable of truly good works. He is the one who leads and guides and provides and nurtures, through us.

Now, I am not telling you that I was some spiritual rock star as I lay there in the hospital talking to God. He knew my heart. He knows that I value my days here on earth and that I love serving Him here. And there is nothing wrong with sharing with God how we feel and that maybe we aren’t really ready. This holds true in any trial, not just one in which you are concerned about your earthly life. Its not like God doesn’t know how you are feeling. He just desires that you would share with Him. Be honest with Him during your struggles.

In the end, just as Jesus in the garden showed us, we may not desire the plan that God has in this particular moment, but it isn’t about our will. Its about the will of God. His ways are higher than ours, His desire for us and for our loved ones is greater than anything we desire for ourselves or for them and His plan is best for everyone involved.

So, “not my will, but thine be done Father”.

While we were in the hospital, because we have so many grand babies, we asked our children not to come see us. We were in a room in which everyone who came in had to wear gowns, masks and gloves and we felt it was safer for them all to stay away. But we knew that our kids were praying for us.

When we were finally well enough to be released, I shared with one of our daughters how sick we really were. She confided in me that she felt that we were really battling for our lives and through tears said, “but I didn’t pray for what I wanted, I prayed for God’s will”. This was one of my most joyous moments I’ve had as a mom. She truly understood, “not my will but thine be done”. In that moment God confirmed for me, at least with this daughter, that He is Lord of her life and He’s got her.

Thank you Jesus for praying children, thank you Jesus for children who know that your plan is best and thank you Jesus for healing.

I pray that in your next trial, you are able to be honest with God and tell Him how you feel, but in the end that you are able to say “Not my will, but thine be done”. His plan really is best.