My husband and I were not walking with the Lord prior to our marriage. We were both addicts who drank heavily and “partied” (for lack of a better word) in excess. Honestly, we weren’t even sure if there was a God. We lived in another state, far away from our families, and our relationship was volatile (that’s using discretion and putting it mildly). When God finally gave me that good old proverbial knock to my knees, I can honestly tell you that I questioned, “Is this really discipline?” Somewhere in my mind, I guess I thought that maybe I just wasn’t on God’s list of blessed people so He either despised me or was trying to teach me a lesson. But God used two wonderful step-children to help me understand that the difference.
Anyway, my husband and I began to attend church and gave our lives over to the Lord shortly before marrying. But the consequences of our sin still lurked around every corner and, before I knew it, he “fell off the wagon”. I tried to stay and love him through it but, when I noticed that the arguing started to affect my son (who lived with us full-time), I knew that I had to take time away to give God the chance to work His wonders.
So, I packed up the car with our belongings and drove away until our humble apartment was nothing more than a blip on the radar. I stayed with family members for a while, crashing on varying couches. My husband and I did stay in touch during this time because we both wanted reconciliation. We just couldn’t reside together. Unfortunately, instead of trying to fix his life, he tried to fill the void with other earthly things. Even in the midst of this turmoil and sin he made amends with his children.
Now, don’t get me wrong. This was ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do, but God’s time for that reconciliation would have been better for everyone. I say this because my husband was still using and drinking heavily at the time. So, both he AND his children were very impressionable/vulnerable to influence. There were people around him who didn’t want to see us reconciled and said awful things like I “hated his children”. And because he was a new Christian, he was not very aware of the power of the enemy’s whispers yet.
But God brought His hand down on my husband too and, before I knew it, he was clean (praise God). We began living together again, blossoming into a closer reflection of God’s marital image. But I began to notice that, when my step children came over on the weekends, he would often be angry with me. Whenever I corrected their behavior or informed him of any issues he became defensive and angry. What I failed to realize was that my husband was asking Himself the same question that I asked God, “Is this really discipline?”
When there was constant discord over my step children’s actions (even when there truly was disobedience) I knew that something had changed. The harder I tried to be a Godly wife, the more precarious our situation became. I was completely unaware of the lies the enemy had whispered to my husband. He had whispered lies through others, who wanted to see us fail. But I had no idea. So, I didn’t understand his anger and outbursts. After all, I was doing what any parent was supposed to do regarding correction and discipline.
So, in a matter of a few short years, because the root of the problem hadn’t been addressed, everything I said or did was misunderstood and caused severe conflict. My husband had come to sincerely believe that I hated his children. And there was nothing I could do or say to convince him otherwise.
But that’s not all! When the enemy damages the foundation of your home and it goes unaddressed, the entire house develops stress cracks. When I began to notice my husband defending “his” children and targeting “my” children, I knew that we had to have a discussion. Our children had become “yours” and “mine”. We were no longer a unit. We were two fractured and damaged units in conflict.
So, after bridling my tongue through various arguments, we finally sat down to discuss the situation. I asked what was happening to us. He said, “I think you hate my children.”. I found myself devastated, saddened and deeply hurt. I was absolutely crushed. My husband confessed what others had said. He said that he had been told that I didn’t care for (actually hated) his children. And, he felt that my actions confirmed that hatered.
“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs 10:12
I pondered that thought for a moment. What had I done to make him think this way? So, I asked and he gave me examples. In my mind (as he gave me examples) I honestly thought that I was being a good parent. But, I failed to recognize the magnitude of what had been suggested to him. I was attempting to discipline, out of love. After all, when you put a child in time out, it isn’t because you hate them. It’s because you love them and don’t want them to make the same — or bigger — mistakes. Is this really discipline? Surely, it is.
Verses like, “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24 only drive this point home.
So, in the matter of our children, I was right. But, concerning our marriage, I was completely wrong. I was disciplining our children in the way that God had asked me to. Yet, that same loving discipline conveyed hatred and disregard to my husband. I failed to communicate with him in love. Because the enemy had distorted the truth.
“13 A foolish child is a calamity to a father; a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping. 14 Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the Lord can give an understanding wife.” Proverbs 19:13-14
So I was doing the exact opposite of what God commanded within my marriage. The discipline may have been right, but the communication with my husband (or lack thereof) was not. It should not have taken me so long to have this conversation with my husband and, unfortunately, by the time I had, our home had many stress cracks.
1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 1 Peter 3:1&2
God calls us to follow all of His commands. When we don’t and we experience something negative, Is this really discipline? Or are we just not good enough for God’s list? Let’s examine that a bit.
In the beginning, God created man and gave him the entire Garden of Eden to roam. “26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” Genesis 1:26. This is love, proving that we are good enough.
When he saw that man did not have anyone to spend time with, He created a woman. “22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib that he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”” This is love, proving that we are good enough.
But when Eve did not follow his instructions, ate of the tree that God had warned them against. “4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”
Then, they sinned and hid from God! “8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”
So, it was time for God to be a father. He did not evict Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden because he hated them. He evicted them because He was disciplining them… in love. It was really discipline.
Furthermore, if God hated us, He would never have offered His one and only son as the propitiation for our sins. “This is how God’s love was revealed among us: God sent His one and only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. And love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:9-10
So, again, when bad things happen, we should not feel as though God doesn’t think we’re worthy. We should never ask, “Is this really discipline?” We should know that it is.
God, our Heavenly Father, shows discipline through love. “5And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons: “My son, do not take lightly the discipline of the Lord, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you. 6For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastises everyone He receives as a son. 7Endure suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?” Hebrews 12:5-7
If it were not for the trials that He allows, we might never, ever realize that we are in a home with stress cracks and take the steps to fix it before it’s too late. We also might never realize the magnitude of true parental love — something that we can pass on to our own children through discipline.
I did not hate my step-children just as God does not hate us. But, instead of communicating with my husband about why he was becoming so defensive, I became angry, embittered, and shut down. Because I didn’t follow all of God’s commands (I left the door of my marriage unguarded), the enemy was still able to get in. My eyes were suddenly opened. Those stress cracks were sealed. And all that was required was for me to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading and communicate with my husband.
Father God, forgive us when we follow one of Your plans in excess, yet neglect the others. They are all equally important and we know that. Open our eyes and speak to us when we are guilty of this. Help us to recognize the areas of our life that we can work on. Father, show us through prayer, Your word, our trials and the Holy Spirit’s leading.
Father, we thank You for disciplining us in love and providing an example of how we should raise our own children. We thank You for that selfless love that is unending, no matter what we do. Heavenly Father, we praise You for the ultimate sacrifice that you endured for us. We know how much we love our own children. How much more did You love Jesus? And to sacrifice Him for us? And how much more do you love us? Thank you, Father.
Lord Jesus, we thank You for willingly walking to the cross for people such as us. You didn’t have to but You were obedient to the Father and, because of that obedience, I will be able to thank you personally some day when I throw my crowns at Your feet.
Holy Spirit, abide in us. Be with always. Give us a nudge towards the right direction when we falter in our own discipline or question Gods. Remind us that, no matter what, God is ever-present and He, too, is the Father of our children. He loved them before we ever did. They are just on loan to us from Him. Help us to be mindful of this truth and live it out, raising them up in the way that they should go. We pray these things in Jesus name. Amen.
If you do not know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, please pray the prayer on our Life Preserver page (https://forgiven-n-loved.com/life-preserver/). God wouldn’t ask you to do something that wasn’t for your own good. He loves you and wants good things for you. Like our own children, He doesn’t want us to ever doubt that. We should never ask, “Is This Discipline? Or Hatred?” Go to this page, pray that prayer, and let Him reveal Himself to you! Please pray and, once you have, reach out to me at admin@forgiven-n-loved.com and let me know. I’d love to be in prayer with and for you.
