Last week, my husband went to the post office to get the mail (weird, right? 😀 ). As usual, he returned with a large stack of junk mail, bills, and a package or two. But suddenly, he handed me a large cardstock envelope. “What’s that?” I asked. He replied, “Just open it.” Now (to be honest with you), what I opened wasn’t much of a surprise. The fact was that I had been working on it for nearly two years. But, considering the old life that God had rescued me from, it was still quite an achievement.
When I realized what was in my hands, they began trembling with anticipation. I hurriedly tore open the envelope and pulled out the navy blue folder inside. And there in this folder was something that I never truly believed I’d ever see. I stared at it in disbelief. Seriously? It was true? The contents of this envelope were part of the plan that God had for me. A plan that He had revealed to me more than a decade ago. It reminded me of the question that I had back then…”He can use ME?!?!”
Fourteen years ago, I wasn’t walking with the Lord. I was a 20-year-old new mother, without a driver’s license, and living two states away from ANY family. I walked back and forth to work on a daily basis, a mile each way, in downpours, blizzards, severe thunderstorms, and the scorching summer heat. Then my boss had a sudden medical crisis. I was asked to forgo my paycheck for a few weeks, to assist the family in paying her medical bills. Because I felt like a part of their family (when I moved to that town, they were the only people kind enough to give me a job), I obliged.
But then, weeks turned into months and months turned into years without a steady paycheck. I didn’t blame them but things got very tough for me financially. Most of the time, I found myself using the few tips I received to pay a different bill each month. But it was never enough.
And, sadly, that wasn’t the worst part of it. My son and I lived in a small shed-like house. It that had been someone’s chicken coop at one point. There was no foundation, black mold on the floors and walls, and a rodent infestation, but it was all we could afford. The ceiling in our living room collapsed and, years later, actually rotted the plywood floor beneath it. I had to wash our laundry in the bathtub and hang it out around the house to dry… but our clothes still smelled like sulfur. This chicken coop had four rooms: a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, and a closet-sized bathroom. But, it was just enough space for the two of us. And it kept us warm and dry (for the most part).
Food was scarce in our chicken coop house. I can remember making my son our last can of ravioli. The bowl was hot on the bottom. When I handed it to him (with a towel), it slipped out of his little hands and the bowl crashed to the floor. Instead of being angry, my heart sank. I had no choice but to pick them up, rinse them off in the sink, and give them to him sans sauce, praying that I hadn’t missed a piece of broken glass from the bowl. Then, I cried. The stress of our circumstances and some past traumas formed a toxic combination. I had resorted to drugs and drinking heavily as a means of escape.
Then, in 2011 (at the age of 25), I was diagnosed with cancer. I wish that I could tell you that this made me quit all of my bad habits and turn my life around, but it didn’t. In fact, the radiation treatments, quarantine in the hospital, and weeks away from my son (advised by a doctor because there was residual radiation in my body and he was so little) actually drove me into using more. And I had to have radiation and experience quarantine on three separate times because my cancer kept coming back. So, by the time it was all over, you can imagine how angry, depressed, and hateful I was.
Looking back now, I can remember viewing my circumstances as God’s lack of love for me. Now, I realize that it was my lack of love for myself. I was making my own rules; charting my own course; dancing to the beat of my own drum, as they say. I had freedom (in the world’s eyes)! But, because I wasn’t obeying God’s commands (and I knew them because I grew up in the church), I wasn’t truly free.
“17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17
I’m not going to detail the events that led up to repentance in this post but, when I finally heeded the Lord’s call, I was so convicted. I hadn’t lived my life right. My son’s life had been affected as well. And, I had even gone as far as telling him, “There is no God. If there was, why do you think we live in this awful house and have this awful life? Mommy’s not a bad person. We don’t deserve this.”
My first time back in the church, I ashamedly drifted back to those words as the Pastor spoke. But then, he raised his voice and regained my attention. He said, “God can use your circumstances AND your past! He can use you to bring others to Him!”. That old question came sneaking back. I thought, “He can use ME?!?!”
The truth is, God can use each and every one of us. Jesus did not hang out with the high priests and other religious leaders when He roamed this earth. Instead, He walked with the prostitutes, the poor, and the outcast. Why? Not because He curtailed their sin but because He wanted to heal them and bring them to repentance.
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17
And when we submit to God’s authority and follow (or return to) the path that He has set us on, our lives will get better. I am living proof of that. And I am not an exception. I am the rule.
“Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:6
When I finally moved back home at the age of 28, I knew that it was the right decision. But I was so disappointed in myself for “failing” to live on my own. That’s when God showed me that He was there all along, in my corner, cheering me on.
“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
As soon as we crossed state lines, God helped me to quit some pretty hardcore drugs (and drinking) cold turkey. Suddenly, I just lost all desire for them. Now, this is not the case with everyone who comes to know the Lord during addiction. Sometimes it takes time and therapy and meetings and that is okay. Because like Pastor said, “God can use your circumstances AND your past! He can use you to bring others to Him!”.
Within two weeks, I had found a decent job. Then, I got my license. And a car. Six months later, my boyfriend from the old life came to know the Lord and we married. And, as confirmation that it was God’s will, He (God) allowed my mother’s never-worn wedding dress to fit perfectly, without alterations. Moreover, because we were on a tight budget, my mother made the bridesmaid’s gowns. My father paid for the groomsmen’s suits, the reception, the Honeymoon, and agreed to allow us to have the ceremony in my childhood home a week after Valentine’s Day. Despite all that I had done to Him, God still provided for me.
Fast forward five years and, I stood on my front porch, navy blue folder in hand. I unfolded it and there, inside, was my Associate in Arts Degree (with Honors). In two years, I will replay this scene when I open my Bachelor’s Degree in English and Writing. How far God can take us when we relent control and submit to His will!
God can work miracles. None of us are ever too far gone for His love to reach. So, if you find yourself asking, “He can use ME?!?!”, just remember that, in the Book of Numbers, God spoke to Balaam through a donkey. He used a DONKEY! If God can open the mouth of a donkey and make it speak, surely He can use us, no matter how damaged or broken we are. So, don’t ever think that you are too bad for Him to use. Or, that you are too flawed. Because Psalm 139:14 says “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” You are fearfully and wonderfully made!
And just because you don’t see or hear Him, doesn’t mean that he’s not there, setting His plan in motion as you read this very blog. I promise you that, somewhere, far beneath the noise of daily distraction and the alluring invitations of sin, God is calling out your name. All you have to do is open your ears, listen and follow. He has a plan for your life.
Father God, we ask You to forgive us for each time we have doubted You and asked, “He can use ME?!?!” We acknowledge Your power and we know that we are not some shoddy, random, creation. It is sin that creates our flaws. Even though we may be sinful, we praise You for the mighty works that we KNOW You will perform in us. And we thank You that we are created with a purpose. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10.
Guide us in the right direction, Lord. Show us the right way. Make it abundantly clear. Shield us from the enemy’s attempts to guide us down the wrong path. Block our ears to the sound of his cunning whispers! We ask You for the power of discernment as we walk with You! Be our strength in times of weakness, Father God!
And Lord, 1 John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Lord, we confess our sins to you right now. Please, do as You’ve promised and purify us! Make us white as snow! Remove our doubts and fears! Use us to bring Your glory to the world! In Jesus’s Holy and precious Name. Amen.
If you do not know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior — if you find yourself asking, “He can use ME?!?!!”, after reading this post — please go to our Life Preserver Page (https://forgiven-n-loved.com/life-preserver/). Once there, please pray the prayer that is outlined there. God wants a relationship with you. He created you with a purpose! All you have to do is trust in Him and repent! If you visit the Life Preserver Page and pray that prayer, please reach out to me at admin@forgiven-n-loved.com. I would love to be in prayer for you!
Luv ya!
