Growing up, I can remember watching a movie entitled, Problem Child. The plot centered around a young boy named Junior who misbehaved so badly that his parents put him in an orphanage. Every time new parents came in to adopt a child, he warmed their hearts with his angelic smile. But Junior became mischievous — a problem child — as soon as they signed on the dotted line. Days later, when these parents were fed up, penniless, and homeless (as a result of his antics), they returned him to the nuns at the orphanage. You wouldn’t think that an orphan could suffer from entitlement, but this one did.
I wish that I could tell you that I haven’t raised my son like Ben Healey. Unfortunately, that would be a fib. I always felt the need to give my son just a little bit more, because his father wasn’t an active part of his life. After all, he only received Christmas gifts, birthday presents, and “just because I love you” surprises from one parent. And, the more I watched other children interact with their fathers, the more I felt that I had failed him and he deserved more.
But this is where we go wrong in raising our children, isn’t it? We give… and give… and give. We continue to give, until we are broke, zapped of all energy, and a shell of our former selves. When our children want something, we give in to them. If we’re honest, sometimes it’s because we’ve had a bad day and just want to make the whining stop. Or perhaps it is because we didn’t have a lot as children so we give them everything we didn’t have. Enter: entitlement.
We excuse every negative behavior by linking it to some unrelated trauma (like I did with my son). This tells our children that they don’t ever have to take responsibility for their actions because there is always someone else to blame. Enter: entitlement.
Or worse, when our kids do poorly in school, instead of reevaluating our parenting or whether their behavior/participation is playing a role in their grades, we blame the teachers for discriminating against our children. This tells our kids that they can misbehave or slack off without facing consequences. Enter: entitlement.
Finally — and this one is important — we often forget that our kids are little people. People sin. Don’t think for one second that those little angels don’t know how to manipulate you to get what they want. So, when they pucker out their bottom lip and bat their eyelashes, we scrounge around for change under the couch cushions and/or return bottles to get them whatever they want. Enter: entitlement.
Then what happens? Of course, they want more still. We become so burnt out and exhausted. And, we wonder where they learned this entitlement. After all, we’ve been so selfless. Lol. 😀
Now, you might say, “Well, God gives me gifts that I don’t deserve all the time.” You’d be right! Being gracious, loving, forgiving, merciful and kind towards our children are all traits of God that we want to impress on our children. The difference is that God always gives us what we need first. He will not give us a gift if it means that we miss out on a learning experience that will benefit us more.
And, if we are going to do the “oh, but God does that” defense. Let’s remember what God does…”because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 3:12. He disciplines!
As parents, we replace heartfelt, Godly love with frivolous material gifts (that toy they just had to have that has made its way into the abyss under their bed, anyone?) and a lack of discipline. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.” When we spoil our children and do not discipline, this goes against what God wants us to teach our children. In the long-run, our actions today can have a lasting impact on their future tomorrow.
Teaching our children how to throw away the money that God has given them and that there are no earthly consequences doesn’t benefit them. And the scary part is, we won’t always be here to bail them out of trouble. What happens when we depart this earth? Where will they end up? Have we taught them how to navigate the world? Or have we made excuses for them, enabled them, and virtually stunted/paralyzed them?
When our child is hungry, we feed them. When they are dirty, we bathe them. We bandage their wounds when they get hurt. And we distribute magic kisses. So, when our child misbehaves, we must do as God commands and correct them. If we want a better world for future generations, we must not continue raising spoiled, entitled children.
We cannot expect our children to learn something that we are unwilling to teach. If we are constantly going without so that they can have more, we are not teaching them the ways of God. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3. We are teaching them to be selfish. We are teaching them entitlement.
So, we need to begin raising our children the way that God has commanded. Let us ask ourselves, “What does my child need from me right now? Does he need me to buy him that videogame? Or does he need to do his chores and earn an allowance so that he understands the value of hard work?”
Approximately 14 years ago, I took the reigns away from God and spoiled my child because his father wasn’t present. I failed to realize that God was providing innumerable male role models to take his place. My brother took my son fishing, had sleepovers, and played video games with him. And, My stepfather (and I absolutely detest that word because he is so much more than that to us) played catch with him and offered up Godly advice/discipline where I could not. My father would take him to the racetrack and let him work on the race cars with him. And eventually, I married a man who took my son under his wing and loved him as his own. Currently, he is teaching our son how to be a selfless, loving, hard-working man who loves his family unconditionally and God more.
Aside from spoiling my son and giving him a reusable “Get Out of Jail Free” card, I never taught him the most valuable lesson. The only father that he would ever truly need — the one who would never, ever abandon him — was there the entire time. And although He does discipline, it is discipline in love from our Abba (Daddy)!
Father God, we praise You for the glorious gift of our children. Thank You for giving us a model to follow so that we can raise them according to Your will and desires. Lord, we praise You for your forgiveness when we fall short. We praise You that you turn all things good according to Your purpose. And we praise You that, even when we do mess up, You turn it into a ministry for our children that You can use to draw others to yourself.
As children of God, we all need a stern (but loving) disciplinary figure in our lives. God, our Heavenly Father, is the only one equipped to do that job correctly. But, through His word and prayer, He can teach us how to raise our children right if we will only take time to learn. If you do not know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, your first step begins on our Life Preserver page (https://forgiven-n-loved.com/life-preserver/). There is a prayer outlined there. Please take a moment to pray that prayer and, once you have, reach out to me at admin@forgiven-n-loved.com. I would love to be in prayer with — and for — you.
Luv ya!
